How To Have Better Dating Judgment
Dating and relationships are full of ups and downs. Our ability to judge can help us, but it can also create problems. Let’s explore what good dating judgment and non-judgment look like, why we judge, and how we can be more accepting.
What is Judgment in Dating and Relationships?
Judging people and circumstances can look like:
Snap Judgments: This happens when we quickly decide something about someone without knowing them well. For example, thinking someone is rude just because they didn’t smile right away.
Quickly Agreeing with How Things Seem: We might decide that a date isn’t going well just because it’s a bit awkward at first. This can stop us from giving people a fair chance.
Blaming Others or Ourselves: Sometimes, we blame our date if things don’t go perfectly, or we might blame ourselves for not being good enough. This blame can hurt our self-esteem and relationships.
Needing to Be Right: We might feel the need to always be right about everything. This can lead to arguments and make it hard to connect with others.
Misunderstandings: Judging too quickly can cause misunderstandings. We might think someone meant to hurt us with their words when that wasn’t their intention at all.
Feeling Different or Separate from Others: Judging can make us feel like we are different or better than others. This can create a barrier between us and our dates.
Thinking No One Can Understand Us: We might think our problems are unique and that no one else can understand what we are going through. This can make us feel lonely.
These judgments can make us feel isolated and misunderstood. They can create barriers in our relationships and stop us from seeing the good in others.
What is Non-Judgment in Dating and Relationships?
Non-judgment can look like:
Being Truly Present with People and Situations: This means paying full attention to the person you’re with and the moment you’re in. It’s about listening without thinking about what you will say next.
Accepting Others and Ourselves: Acceptance means seeing people as they are, without trying to change them. It also means being kind to ourselves and accepting our own flaws.
Being Welcoming and Inviting: This is about making others feel comfortable and valued. It’s greeting your date with a smile and being open to who they are.
Trusting Others: Trust is believing that others have good intentions. It means giving them a chance to show who they are without jumping to conclusions.
Loving Unconditionally: This means caring for others without expecting anything in return. It’s about showing kindness and compassion, no matter what.
Seeing Opportunities Without Needing to Have All the Answers: This is being open to possibilities and not needing to control everything. It’s about enjoying the journey and seeing where it leads.
Practicing non-judgment helps us connect better with others and ourselves. It allows us to build deeper, more meaningful relationships.
Judgment Tricks Our Brain Plays on Us
Our brains can trick us into thinking:
"Non-Judgment is Right, and Judgment is Wrong." This is still a judgment. There is no absolute right or wrong. Both judgment and non-judgment have their places. Sometimes we need to make quick decisions, but it’s important to be aware of when we are judging.
"I'm Not Judging, So I'm Better or Right." This stops us from growing. Non-judgment is a practice we need to keep working on. Just because we try not to judge doesn’t mean we’re perfect. There is always room to improve.
"Choosing Judgment Makes Us Feel Better Quickly." Accepting our judgment and choosing to act from our best self is more beneficial. It’s easy to judge and feel a quick sense of relief, but in the long run, being open and understanding leads to better outcomes.
Why Do We Judge?
We judge because it:
Justifies and Validates Us: Judgment can make us feel like we are right and others are wrong. It can make us feel good about ourselves temporarily.
Excuses Us from Working Towards a Greater Perspective: Judging is easier than trying to understand someone else’s point of view. It’s a shortcut that stops us from growing and learning.
Protects Us from Hurt, Disappointment, or Uncertainty: Judgment can act as a shield. By deciding quickly that someone isn’t right for us, we avoid the risk of getting hurt or disappointed.
Lets Us Feel Like Victims of Circumstances: When we judge, we can blame our problems on others or the situation. This stops us from taking responsibility and making positive changes.
Feels Vindicating: Sometimes, judging someone feels satisfying. It can give us a sense of power or superiority, but this feeling is fleeting and doesn’t lead to true happiness.
What to Do About Judgment
Here’s how to handle judgment:
Bring Awareness to How Often Judgment Comes Up: Pay attention to your thoughts and notice when you are judging. Awareness is the first step to change.
Be Willing to See Black-and-White Thinking and Be Honest with Yourself: Notice if you are thinking in extremes, such as “always” or “never.” Try to see the situation more realistically.
Be Specific About Facts and Feelings, Avoiding Extreme Language: Instead of saying, “Dates always go badly,” try, “This date was awkward at first, but we had a good conversation later.”
Make Small, Then Bigger Choices from Non-Judgment: Start with small changes, like giving someone a second chance. As you get more comfortable, you can make bigger changes, like being more open and vulnerable.
Accept That Judgment is Human but Does Not Define Us: It’s natural to judge sometimes, but it doesn’t define who we are. Accepting this can help us be kinder to ourselves and others.
Take a Breath, Take Your Time, and Recognize "The Power of Now": Focus on the present moment. Taking a deep breath can help you pause and reconsider your judgment.
Consider Other People’s Needs: Think about what the other person might be feeling or needing. This can help you be more understanding and compassionate.
Consider Your Own Needs and Label Your Feelings: Recognize and name your feelings. This can stop them from taking over and help you understand why you are judging.
Ask yourself:
What do I need?: Understanding your own needs can help you see why you might be judging and what you can do about it.
What is making this judgment show up for me?: Is there something in your past or present that is causing you to judge?
What makes the other person have this judgment?: Try to understand where the other person is coming from. What might they be feeling or experiencing?
What do they need?: Understanding the other person’s needs can help you be more empathetic and less judgmental.
If I understood this (or chose to stay in the unknown) about myself or them, what new ideas, feelings, thoughts, and opportunities would be possible?: Being open to not having all the answers can create new possibilities and deeper connections.
True power comes from being accountable and taking responsibility for our lives and interactions with others. This means recognizing our judgments and choosing to act with kindness and understanding.
Spiritual Practices and Non-Judgment
Consider what your spiritual or religious beliefs say about non-judgment:
Is Non-Judgment a Form of Non-Violence?: Many spiritual practices teach that non-judgment is a way of practicing non-violence. It means not harming others with our thoughts or words.
Non-Judgment Can Free Us from Anger and Bring Tranquility: Letting go of judgment can reduce anger and create a sense of peace. It helps us feel calmer and more centered.
It Can Be a Form of Compassion, Gentleness, and Recognizing the Divinity in All People: Non-judgment means seeing the good in others and treating them with kindness. It’s about recognizing that everyone has value.
It Helps Us No Longer Need to Be Right About Everything: Letting go of the need to be right can free us to explore life and relationships more openly. It allows us to learn and grow without feeling threatened.
Non-Judgment Creates Ease, Fun, Play, and Trust: When we let go of judgment, we can enjoy life more. We can have fun, play, and build trust with others. This helps us grow in all areas of our life.
By practicing non-judgment, we can have better relationships and a happier life. It’s about being open, accepting, and kind to ourselves and others. This creates a positive, welcoming environment where true connections can thrive.
Learning when to make judgments that protect you while keeping an open mind is an important skill in dating and relationships. It’s about finding a balance between staying safe and being open to new experiences and people.
A dating coach can teach you strategies to manage judgment and non-judgment, helping you grow and improve your dating life. We provide guidance, support, and accountability, ensuring you stay on track and make meaningful connections.
By working with me as a South Asian dating coach, you can develop the skills needed to navigate dating with confidence and compassion, leading to more fulfilling and successful relationships.
