Communicating with Parents: The Cure for the Indian Kid's Nightmare
Keys to Any Successful Communication
I loved the Neflix special by Hasan Minhaj, Homecoming King.
It hit on so many South Asian youth hilarities and awkward memories.
The internet exploded with “Log kya kahenge” (what will people say) because it resonated with so many of us. Let’s take it one step further, “log kya kahenge” may have been what your parents said, but we have all thought, “Ma kya kahegi” (what will mom say) in the back of our minds every time we didn’t study enough, had an encounter with the wrong crowd, dated a person outside the “accepted” types of people, or basically did anything in our childhood or young adult life.
In fact, when I got pulled over for speeding when I was a teen, I was more afraid of how my parents would react than the actual crime I was committing and the cop standing next to my car!
When I would share my uncertainties or stresses with friends, they would ask, “Why do you care what your parent’s will think?
You’re in your 20’s, you can do whatever you want.”
But I always brushed them off because they couldn’t possibly understand the relationship between an Indian kid and their parents. I hear stories like this all the time and this isn’t just in South Asian families.
One of my close Italian friend had trouble explaining to his parents that he wanted to get an apartment with his girlfriend rather than live at home with them.
At the age of 30, you would think this would not be an issue for him.
My parents were a little different. They always listened and encouraged me but it was still scary when I had to break some big news to them. I respect them and the culture and traditions they taught me.
My experience has taught me that the following factors make communicating with anyone, but especially parents, much easier.
Slowly and Regularly
If you have a tough time communicating with your parents, it isn’t going to change instantaneously.
Start slowly, it is never to late. Start with small light topics. In most cases, the basic stuff like weather, sports, or what’s on TV can help break that ice.
It’s important not to bombard them with every single thing you’ve ever hidden from them. They may not need to hear about every dating fail or the night in college when you blacked out on your way home.
Ease them into the topics that are pertinent and will help your relationship grow.
Start with the Positive, End with a Hug.
Any conversation is best with the positive spin up front. It helps everyone put their guard down and listen without fear.
Their first reactions may be defensive, angry or frustrated.
That will turn you off from talking to them further.
But, with a steady mind and regular small attempts, keep the vibe upbeat and short conversations will turn into regular longer ones. I
f you’re comfortable, holding hands or hugging during or at the end of a talk is a great way to feel good and share the loving energy.
Translating and Trying On Their Shoes.
Language barriers, terminology or slang, cultural differences or negative past experiences can really affect a person’s ability to understand.
For example, the word “dating” or “going out” can mean so many different things to a person based on the decade they grew up in, or the part of the world they come from.
If your parents are reacting harshly it may be because they just have no clue what things means. Asking my parents about their arranged marriage and friends back in India helped me see what they were and weren’t exposed to when they were my age.
I so often forgot that my parents had a life before me and may be biased in the way they view my life. However, with some basic explanations, it was a lot easier for all of us.
No One Else But You.
Heavy topics may need mediators or moderators to keep things balanced and on track.
But, it’s best to keep the nosey third parties out of it, especially if they have nothing to do with the topic.
No need to drag an aunt, uncle, sibling or grandparents into the conversation. You never know what their biases or how their relationships with your parents may influence everyone’s ability to be truthful, honest and open.
Don’t Whine or Argue.
This was the hardest things for me.
The tone of someone’s voice says more than the words coming out of their mouth. Have you ever been super annoyed at a toddler that just won’t let their mother get anything done because they are whining and tugging on their clothes?
Yeah, don’t do that.
Sometimes, even a voice that you think is just requesting a favor, can sound like a nag or whiny. Being mindful of your tone will help tremendously. I’ve even recorded myself to play it back and see what I sound like.
Similarly, a loud argumentative voice will only shut down the other person and close their mind to your suggestions.
A Neutral Zone
Usually, family discussions happen at home.
If you don’t think things will be fair at home or people will storm into their rooms to avoid the topic, consider a restaurant or coffee shop for a change of environment. This may work especially well if you don’t live with your parents. Everyone will be less likely to fight and no one will feel teritorial.
Plus, you can feel free to leave when you’re done talking.
Clear and with Direction
Before you sit down to talk or make the phone call, know what your purpose and goals for the conversation will be.
Be direct and succinct.
Here is an example of what you can say to be clear and direct "Mom and Dad (mummy and papa), I have something to tell you. I'm not proud of what I've done, and you might be mad. But I know I need to tell you. Can you hear me out?"
The Truth.
At the core of all of this is honesty.
If you’re out drinking with friends, don’t tell your parents that you’re not. If you have a girlfriend and your parents think you’re ready to be introduced to the nice girl their best friends keep telling them about, be honest with them.
The trap of lies and more lies can get really ugly. We’ve seen this in a Bollywood movie, or two, or all of them. Consider the communication factors above and start the conversation with them. It won’t be easy, but it will get easier.
In the worse case scenario, if you are not having any luck speaking with your parents and you truly need help or someone to talk to, find other adults, or people you can trust who will listen to you or help you.
Not sure where to start or have questions about conversation with your family or others? Email me or DM me on social media. The links are below.
